Q&A With Me, The Most Hireable Being Ever
Hello! If you’re reading this, you’re probably deciding the fate of my employment. I’m so glad you’re reading this writing sample. Did I mention how good your hair looks today? Anyway, as an applicant, I wanted you to know how qualified I am and how much I absolutely love doing jobs and being good at them. Before you hopefully invite me for an interview, here are some quick facts you may want to know.
Q: Tell me about yourself.
A: I’m a copywriter, resume writer/designer, Photoshop wiz, and former employed person who is, like, a huge fan of jobs. I started working at 18 and I haven’t been able to stop getting jobs since! Yes, I do have rent to pay, but I mostly do it for the love of the game.
Q: What’s your greatest strength?
A: Where do I begin? Tasks, skills, assignments — all totally my forte. I can write, I can design, I can win elementary school spelling bees. I’m also super good at developing organizational methods and deciphering strange runes.
Q: What’s your greatest weakness?
A: Tough one. Probably the glowing yellow eye in the middle of my forehead with an arrow indicating you should probably shoot it with an arrow.
Q: What makes you a good fit for this role?
A: I am very small, thus it is easy to fit into places and things. If the printer is ever jammed, there’s a button on my side that should shrink me small enough to get in there and fix it. In a way, this button is also a greatest weakness.
Q: When’s a time in your work experience that you solved a problem?
A: I didn’t have problems because I am a perfect employee. Okay, one time I created a database of what copy for social media and what alternate copy was available. But the main point here is I am a perfect employee who can focus on problem-solving with all three of my eyes.
Q: What is your prior work experience?
A: Listing my experience in order from most to least recent, it goes: video game startup, Comedy Central, magician’s assistant. But the office kind of assistant so the only thing getting cut in half was over-budget spending. I tried to find out how he bends spoons and never learned, but boy did that sharpen my research skills. I’m an expert at reading ancient tomes now.
Q: Why should we hire you?
A: I’m a quick learner, a hard worker, and I have a deep encyclopedic knowledge of The Muppets. I’m for sure a Kermit: green, small, good at finding logical solutions with a bunch of fellow chaotic animals.
Q: What makes you unique from other candidates?
A: I’d have to say my skills, my accomplishments, and my ability to see the fourth dimension. Really adds a whole new level to Google Sheets.
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: Five years deep into being very good at a job. I’m already so good at jobs — can you imagine several more years of increasing my ability to have abilities? I hope in five years I’m succeeding, flourishing, and having healthcare. I think I’ll also have evolved gills by then.
Q: Wow, you really are the most hireable being ever. We love you and your skills and abilities. Please work for us.
A: Love you too bestie. See you in the Slack channel 💖
